on faith

I recently read a passage in Mark (Mark 9:14-29) that the Lord has been using to speak deeply to me. Yet, His truth has not completely crystallized and, if you will indulge me, I'm going to use this space to work through it.

I have always clung to verse 24 "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" Jesus doesn't ask from us a perfect faith, one that neither waivers nor questions. What a supreme comfort for a girl whose faith has wavered often. It is simple to focus on the unbelief, the lacking, the doubt. But Jesus says in verse 23 "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes." If your heart is open enough, soft enough for belief then all things are possible. I think of this father who has watched his son, his precious and innocent child, be wracked by the power of the demon within. Can you imagine your child? Body flung into fire, into water, foaming at the mouth, gnashing teeth and rigid body. Year after year. Surely his heart was hard, surely he felt that his God had abandoned him and his child. Can you imagine how he struggled with God, why He would allow such torment upon a child? And still, this father believes. "Lord, I believe." Can we believe in spite of the pain, the torment, the uncertainty - beyond what our eyes can see, our minds can understand? Do we believe that our God is holy and good - always? Is that belief stronger than our "reality?" Is the truth of Who God is more real to us than the darkness we see every day? What an amazing and honest response; "Help my unbelief." Help me believe that You are always Good, even when my child writhes on the floor. That You have overcome.

Verse 22 "But if You can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." Doesn't that break your heart? What a perfect picture of humility. In the face of innocent suffering, to understand that he deserves nothing, his child deserves nothing. That we are fallen, sinful creatures who are lost without Jesus' divine hand interceding on our behalf. This is the faith that I so deeply desire! One that understands who I am and Who God is. A faith that believes that, in spite of who I am, God is so good that He would say "all things are possible for those who believe." We love a God that would heal, in spite of imperfect faith. That designs a life for us that He will use to perfectly draw us to Him. He is magnificent and His light shines so much brighter than the darkness. Lord, help me to choose You.

on expectations

When I fall down You pick me up,
When I am dry You fill my cup,
You are my all in all.

You are my All in All. The last many months have been leading me to this. The Lord has been showing me how often I look to others to have my needs met, pouring expectations and disappointment into my relationships. There's nothing wrong with communicating our needs to others, but I am overwhelmed with the sense that for me, in this time and space, God wants me to go to Him for Everything. He is All. All I could ever dream of, ever need. I think about the freedom that would result. Freedom for me, for my loved ones. I could love selflessly, without secretly desiring reciprocation. Give fully, knowing that He will fill my cup to overflowing. They can walk their own walk, where love can come naturally. Where they can fall and fail and then find in me a heart that welcomes and forgives. How I want to love like that!

on relationships

There is this thing in me that wants change. I see the not-working and I desire for it to be different. Specifically with people who God has placed as important in my life, the people who affect me day upon day. Not the relationships that work easily, but the relationships that I have not chosen myself, that have been chosen for me by my Father. Why did He choose for me the broken and the manipulative, the ones who hurt and can't even see the impact? I am called to love these -to look beyond my own feelings, for I have a Savior that will never hurt and perfectly meets every need - and shine the love and compassion of Christ on them.

How often do I try to "love" by pointing out sin, by shining a light on wrong thinking - by trying to change them... It can not be heard, it will not work - never from this girl, from this voice. The only healer of brokenness, the only changer of hearts is God. I crave repentance from those who have wronged me, that they see and admit the impact of their words on this girl. I want vindication - for them to know that they are wrong and that I am right. I can cover this ugly truth with words of righteous perspective, delude myself into thinking it is for their best, that this really is love. But the truth is, it is about me.

So then how do I love these? Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1Cor. 13:4-7 As I write this list, I see how deeply I failed to love today...

There is a line of a new David Crowder song that has been haunting me. It's called How He Loves from the Church Music album.

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

I am compulsively focused on me - my feelings, my needs, my afflictions. And every once in a while, I am eclipsed by His glory and I wonder, why don't I live here? Nestled deep in His arms, where every need is abundantly met, every feeling perfectly known. Where the love of the Creator of the universe encircles, comforts, gently instructs. It is from this place that love organically flows, that longsuffering and kindness and hope and endurance reside, that we can reflect the light of Christ.

on love

Do you ever feel your brokenness, your need, so palpably that the mere act of breathing seems impossible if not for Him? That moment comes... and then descends the Love. The Love that covers and fills, that meets the need of a broken heart. Within my desperation, my lost-ness, is where I am discovering the power of His Love. He meets me here, in this broken body, and says I am enough for you. Enough for the girl who can't breathe for sorrow, lost moments, desperate need.

And then comes hope. Hope. Hope in a Savior Who is perfect, beyond compare, beyond our wildest dreams. He is real; His love is real and it is enough. He is where we find our solace; He is who rescues us from the darkness. It is His love that weaves together the pieces of us with Him and makes us beautiful.

This is a sacraficial love - a love so powerful, so potent, so just that it demands death. It demanded the death of the One who is perfect, without stain or blemish. When Christ died upon that cross He endured the holy wrath of God for every sin comitted by every person, ever. He, who could never know sin, who being God Himeslf endured the torment of seperation from His Father. To know God fully and to be torn from Him freely and willingly. That is love. Inncomprehendable, abundant, life-giving love...

on abundance

As I reflect upon my yesterday and night, God has given me eyes to see the abundant life He has blessed me with. A life neither deserved nor earned, but one that is filled with sweetness and beauty. I have been praying, and continue to pray, for a heart of gratitude. I long to see through eyes that recognize His hand, in the big and little - easy and challenging.

Last night, my sweet little one was feverish, throwing up with he little body racked with sick sobs that just broke my heart. As I lay, more awake than asleep, I prayed. 2am prayers. 4am prayers. And I thought, what a privilege to offer thanksgiving in the middle of the night. What blessing to know that my little bit is protected by her Creator, throw up and all. She asked me to snuggle up in bed with her; we slept for the first time ever like that. Little arms wrapped around my neck, breath whispering I love you, over and over. I was able to feel our little man wrestling around in my womb, a gift I miss every other night. A husband pulling himself out of much need slumber to wash loads of sheets, blankets and towels. An abundant night, totally undeserved.

His hands were evident yesterday, too, through the rubber gloved hands of my mother. She toiled in my home - scrubbing shower doors, washing floors on knees, vacuuming air vents. Hour upon hour of backbreaking service. Service to her daughter for her Lord. Joyfully - who in their right mind joyfully cleans an other's toilet? - thoroughly, excellently.

I praise God for blessing me with a day - a life - that is just beautiful and for opening my eyes to see His precious giftings.

on miracles

As my daughter grows, she's almost three now, I have found myself taken aback by love. She takes my breath away with eyes sparkling blue that look to me with tenderness and wispy white gold hair that curls at the tips - she is so beautiful. A staggering, tears catch in my throat and lips long to cover with kisses beautiful that I want to consume. This love, this love that is utterly inescapable, has nothing to do with her - what she does, how she behaves, her goodness or worthiness. Nothing. When the sweet heart that God is growing in her wells up and she runs to hug my legs and tell me of her love, that is blessing. Abundant, treasured blessing. But it is not why I love. I love because I can not help myself, because my Creator has gifted me with her little heart, her blue eyes and her fluffy hair. He hand picked her for me - this love can not be helped. And as she grows, as I begin to glimpse the girl God has planned, that love deepens, quickens.

God worked a miracle in my heart yesterday. Rarely will I use the word miracle, other than, perhaps, to describe how God drew me to Him when I first became a believer. Drawing that heart - miraculous indeed. However, the divine work He did yesterday was nothing short of miraculous. I have been a believer for almost 7 years and for 7years I have not felt the love of God. I have understood it, believed it, but it has never penetrated the depths of me. I've known this, have prayed for years about it. And yesterday, God broke through.

Here is a portion of my prayer to Him from that moment...

Lord, I come to You, back weary from work, stomach tight from strain. Depleted, tired and yet completely longing for communion with You. You are Father, You are rest. You are arms that strongly encircle and fingertips that gently caress. In You, there is such love for me. Sweaty, dirty, smelly, overweight me. Yet you see child, washed white as snow. A daughter forgiven, beautiful.

I have found my rest.

He has given me freedom in a way I could have never imagined. His love has penetrated a heart so broken and filled with self-condemnation and He has transplanted that darkness with the light of His perfect love. The love I have for my daughter - that boundless, tender, staggering, can not help myself kind of love - is only a shadow of God's love for me. His love has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with achievement. He loves me because it is His holy nature, He cannot not love me. And, in Christ - cleansed by the blood of the Lamb - we are wholly accepted, wholly forgiven. We are child, washed white as snow, beautiful.

on forgiveness

This weekend I sinned a sin so bad, so ugly and unforgivable that I could not breathe. My shame was pouring out in rivers of tears, guttural moanings, a heart so broken that I felt love could not get a foothold. This moment was a glimpse of the true nature of my sin, a portal into God's view of my sin. And not just this one sin that was abhorrent to me, but every sin. To Him, they are all this - even the "little"ones, the ones that happen in secret, the moments of selfishness and pride that are so easily brushed aside. They are all this. They are all the same.

As heart-torn as I was in that moment, from deep within came a voice saying I must confess. Not to, as my flesh desired, crawl into bed, cover my sin with a blanket and forget. In one terrifying moment, and not at all because I had any strength of my own, I walked down the hall. First to my daughter's room, then to my husband. I confessed. I laid bare the ugliest I have ever seen in myself to them. And they wiped my tears. They forgave.

even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. ~Col. 3:13

Forgiveness and love from my family, my Creator, that could Never be earned, never be deserved. Having seen the true nature of my heart, the depth of depravity, I see no place deserving of love.

For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells... ~Rom. 7:18

And yet, God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ~Rom. 5:8

I have struggled for years to understand this Love, this divine and beautiful love for hearts that are dark and slick from the oil of sin. How can it be that the One who defines holiness and goodness and purity - how can that One love this one? Why would He sacrifice His Son, His perfect Son for a heart capable of such darkness?

My answer? I do not know. But, I Believe it to be so. I believe Him when He says ...He made us accepted in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace... ~Eph. 1:6,7 I believe, without an inkling of true understanding, that Christ is enough. Even for me. Even for my darkest sin.

And that, my friends, is a love worth praising.

on learning contentment

Last night. This morning. Feelings of discontentment have been swirling around me. A grumpy mood that taints Everything. I am inclined toward melancholy, can easily view through eyes of glum. I know this about myself, and yet I continue to struggle to loose myself from the grips of feeling.

...for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content. Phil 4:11

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Heb. 13:5

Contentment is a learned response; it is not one that wells up naturally within our hearts. I think that Paul is saying that we can train ourselves to respond with contentment, no matter the "realities." For, what is more real? Feelings, circumstances, trial, illness, brokenness or Jesus, who promises that He will never leave us. What power does this world hold and why do we so desperately try to fix it? The system is broken. There is only one Answer, one Healer. Shouldn't we look to Him to identify and do the work? Let us choose to trust that we are being held by the One who authors. It is there, in His arms, that we find contentment.

courage

I tend to think that I'm pretty great. Scratch that. I think that I'm average but that the things I do ought to be stinkin' amazing. Hopefully life changing for others, always the best (obviously), cause in taking breath and admirational awe. All to God's glory. Of course. Showing how He can use a broken vessel like me to do, yes, stinkin' amazing things; I am an example of divine power, divine transformation. If He can use little ol' me in such incredible ways, how great He must be. Yes, I even rope God into this...this vision of grandeur that I have of myself.

I got to thinking about greatness, about how so much of my life has revolved around being great - great at anything ranging from playing Bach in such a way that will make people weep to celebrating Christmas in an intensely thoughtful and spiritual way that our family shines like a light unto all. This has been the underlying motivation for most everything in my life. And, no, it has absolutely nothing to do with glorifying God. (I suspect you all got that.)

The problem with pursuing greatness, at least for a girl like me, is that it tends to be quite paralyzing. For every action there are Expectations. That people will weep, be amazed, be inspired, things will run smoothly - always. What comes is failure - either through actually trying and failing or, more often, not trying because, what's the point?, it won't be what it ought to be.

I've started to live a life of could've. I could've had a career if I'd practiced more, taken more auditions. I could've had a household that runs perfectly if I created and implemented the best system. I could've created a great community around me and my family if I weren't afraid of rejection, if I just trusted God. I could've been so much closer to God, so much more spiritual in my walk if I read my Bible more. And on and on and on - Everything has been like that for me.

God has slowly and patiently been guiding me through this - mostly without me even knowing (isn't that always His way? working in ways that our own strength wouldn't even dream of?). And, I thought I'd look into what He has to say about greatness. We all know, of course, the last shall be first blah, blah, blah. (And, if I were a diligent disciple I would already know this most obvious truth.) But, I pushed through my pride and looked. Here's what I came up with. God says greatness is: humility, service, teaching, getting nothing in return, being a slave, love.

Later that day, I read a blog post about courage. Courage and greatness appear to go hand in hand. Stepping out in faith to, I don't know, become a missionary, church plant, start a neighborhood bible study. Doing great things for the Lord means you must overcome fear and doubt, faithfully following His call.

What if, for a girl with visions of grandeur, courage is taking a humble road? Stepping out in faith to a life which is not amazing, not life changing or awe inspiring. A life which simply walks hand in hand with Jesus. Trusting Him with the life He has for me, rather then manufacturing something great. A friend told me today "What if our Plan B is actually God's Plan A?" What if what I thought I'd been settling for (in my case, motherhood) is what God has always intended for me from the beginning? This life, this walk, has been to get me here - to this place, where my life is about humbly following Him wherever He leads, even if that place could be considered ordinary, simple, little.

Then again, looking back at my list of greatness, it would seem that God thinks that being a mother - one of millions, not even registering on the world's greatness meter - really is, in His eyes, pretty great.

a new orientation

A friend recently shared a thought with me that has resonated deeply. It is easy to focus on godly living rather than on God. I have become increasingly aware of how hard I try to live a good life, doing things the "right" way, all the while feeling inadequate with a trail of failures behind me. I think I know the kind of girl God wants - wife, mother, homekeeper - and I get distracted from Him with the tasks involved in my "godly living". I become focused on doing things His way that I, often times, don't walk with Him at all.

A new orientation is growing. It is one where He is IT. Jesus is who I walk hand in hand with through this life and that relationship trumps my notion of godly living. For this to be true, I must spend time with Him. Lots of time. Not an obligatory prayer or quiet time, a quick reading of the Word. I need an empty space of time where I can meet with my Creator. I want to know Him, walk with Him, draw close to His heart, be transformed by Him and that takes intimate, focused time. Time that, I confess, I have not given Him - ever, really. So focused was I on the doing of His work.

A freedom is growing in my heart as a result of this. I can let go of all of the "supposed to's," the priorities and obligations I created (or the world creates), and trust that looking up to the Father will give me all the direction I need. If there is conviction, I heed it. If there is direction, I follow it. If not, I just keep my eyes on Him and He will lead. I feel now that my life is not my job - it is His to do with as He pleases. Concert flutist? Stay at home mom? Homeschooler? Whatever, Lord. I trust You and I take away my value judgments of what is "supposed to be" and give You back the control of shaping my heart and my life.

a prayerful return

This blog has been silent for some time now...

I've been pricked to consider more prayerfully how He would have me use this space, if at all. Shall I glorify Him or me? It is so easy to frame my life with pretty photo, cute caption - all in the name of sharing His blessings, while secretly, pridefully, showing only the pretty parts.

Turns out, the pretty parts of my life - the beautiful, breathtaking parts - are not those found in pictures, on fun trips, or with friends. Those are treasured moments, to be sure, but icing. The beauty is His work, His transformative work in the heart of a broken girl. Teaching, guiding, changing, growing a girl who continually stumbles, is forever falling into sin, is foresaking the One, putting herself above all, gets consumed by the mundane tasks of life, has her priorities all out of line... It is in this broken place, this broken heart, that Divine Love reaches and heals.

And so, my desire is for this place, this quiet, small place, to be one where I can share Him. Where I can write about the things He has placed on my heart - quiet musings on the Creator and how being bound to Him is changing how I move through this world.

My prayer is that this place will point you and I to Jesus and that we will become increasingly sensitive to His generous workings in our lives.