courage

I tend to think that I'm pretty great. Scratch that. I think that I'm average but that the things I do ought to be stinkin' amazing. Hopefully life changing for others, always the best (obviously), cause in taking breath and admirational awe. All to God's glory. Of course. Showing how He can use a broken vessel like me to do, yes, stinkin' amazing things; I am an example of divine power, divine transformation. If He can use little ol' me in such incredible ways, how great He must be. Yes, I even rope God into this...this vision of grandeur that I have of myself.

I got to thinking about greatness, about how so much of my life has revolved around being great - great at anything ranging from playing Bach in such a way that will make people weep to celebrating Christmas in an intensely thoughtful and spiritual way that our family shines like a light unto all. This has been the underlying motivation for most everything in my life. And, no, it has absolutely nothing to do with glorifying God. (I suspect you all got that.)

The problem with pursuing greatness, at least for a girl like me, is that it tends to be quite paralyzing. For every action there are Expectations. That people will weep, be amazed, be inspired, things will run smoothly - always. What comes is failure - either through actually trying and failing or, more often, not trying because, what's the point?, it won't be what it ought to be.

I've started to live a life of could've. I could've had a career if I'd practiced more, taken more auditions. I could've had a household that runs perfectly if I created and implemented the best system. I could've created a great community around me and my family if I weren't afraid of rejection, if I just trusted God. I could've been so much closer to God, so much more spiritual in my walk if I read my Bible more. And on and on and on - Everything has been like that for me.

God has slowly and patiently been guiding me through this - mostly without me even knowing (isn't that always His way? working in ways that our own strength wouldn't even dream of?). And, I thought I'd look into what He has to say about greatness. We all know, of course, the last shall be first blah, blah, blah. (And, if I were a diligent disciple I would already know this most obvious truth.) But, I pushed through my pride and looked. Here's what I came up with. God says greatness is: humility, service, teaching, getting nothing in return, being a slave, love.

Later that day, I read a blog post about courage. Courage and greatness appear to go hand in hand. Stepping out in faith to, I don't know, become a missionary, church plant, start a neighborhood bible study. Doing great things for the Lord means you must overcome fear and doubt, faithfully following His call.

What if, for a girl with visions of grandeur, courage is taking a humble road? Stepping out in faith to a life which is not amazing, not life changing or awe inspiring. A life which simply walks hand in hand with Jesus. Trusting Him with the life He has for me, rather then manufacturing something great. A friend told me today "What if our Plan B is actually God's Plan A?" What if what I thought I'd been settling for (in my case, motherhood) is what God has always intended for me from the beginning? This life, this walk, has been to get me here - to this place, where my life is about humbly following Him wherever He leads, even if that place could be considered ordinary, simple, little.

Then again, looking back at my list of greatness, it would seem that God thinks that being a mother - one of millions, not even registering on the world's greatness meter - really is, in His eyes, pretty great.