on relationships

There is this thing in me that wants change. I see the not-working and I desire for it to be different. Specifically with people who God has placed as important in my life, the people who affect me day upon day. Not the relationships that work easily, but the relationships that I have not chosen myself, that have been chosen for me by my Father. Why did He choose for me the broken and the manipulative, the ones who hurt and can't even see the impact? I am called to love these -to look beyond my own feelings, for I have a Savior that will never hurt and perfectly meets every need - and shine the love and compassion of Christ on them.

How often do I try to "love" by pointing out sin, by shining a light on wrong thinking - by trying to change them... It can not be heard, it will not work - never from this girl, from this voice. The only healer of brokenness, the only changer of hearts is God. I crave repentance from those who have wronged me, that they see and admit the impact of their words on this girl. I want vindication - for them to know that they are wrong and that I am right. I can cover this ugly truth with words of righteous perspective, delude myself into thinking it is for their best, that this really is love. But the truth is, it is about me.

So then how do I love these? Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1Cor. 13:4-7 As I write this list, I see how deeply I failed to love today...

There is a line of a new David Crowder song that has been haunting me. It's called How He Loves from the Church Music album.

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

I am compulsively focused on me - my feelings, my needs, my afflictions. And every once in a while, I am eclipsed by His glory and I wonder, why don't I live here? Nestled deep in His arms, where every need is abundantly met, every feeling perfectly known. Where the love of the Creator of the universe encircles, comforts, gently instructs. It is from this place that love organically flows, that longsuffering and kindness and hope and endurance reside, that we can reflect the light of Christ.