on forgiveness

This weekend I sinned a sin so bad, so ugly and unforgivable that I could not breathe. My shame was pouring out in rivers of tears, guttural moanings, a heart so broken that I felt love could not get a foothold. This moment was a glimpse of the true nature of my sin, a portal into God's view of my sin. And not just this one sin that was abhorrent to me, but every sin. To Him, they are all this - even the "little"ones, the ones that happen in secret, the moments of selfishness and pride that are so easily brushed aside. They are all this. They are all the same.

As heart-torn as I was in that moment, from deep within came a voice saying I must confess. Not to, as my flesh desired, crawl into bed, cover my sin with a blanket and forget. In one terrifying moment, and not at all because I had any strength of my own, I walked down the hall. First to my daughter's room, then to my husband. I confessed. I laid bare the ugliest I have ever seen in myself to them. And they wiped my tears. They forgave.

even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. ~Col. 3:13

Forgiveness and love from my family, my Creator, that could Never be earned, never be deserved. Having seen the true nature of my heart, the depth of depravity, I see no place deserving of love.

For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells... ~Rom. 7:18

And yet, God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ~Rom. 5:8

I have struggled for years to understand this Love, this divine and beautiful love for hearts that are dark and slick from the oil of sin. How can it be that the One who defines holiness and goodness and purity - how can that One love this one? Why would He sacrifice His Son, His perfect Son for a heart capable of such darkness?

My answer? I do not know. But, I Believe it to be so. I believe Him when He says ...He made us accepted in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace... ~Eph. 1:6,7 I believe, without an inkling of true understanding, that Christ is enough. Even for me. Even for my darkest sin.

And that, my friends, is a love worth praising.