Last night. This morning. Feelings of discontentment have been swirling around me. A grumpy mood that taints Everything. I am inclined toward melancholy, can easily view through eyes of glum. I know this about myself, and yet I continue to struggle to loose myself from the grips of feeling.
...for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content. Phil 4:11
Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Heb. 13:5
Contentment is a learned response; it is not one that wells up naturally within our hearts. I think that Paul is saying that we can train ourselves to respond with contentment, no matter the "realities." For, what is more real? Feelings, circumstances, trial, illness, brokenness or Jesus, who promises that He will never leave us. What power does this world hold and why do we so desperately try to fix it? The system is broken. There is only one Answer, one Healer. Shouldn't we look to Him to identify and do the work? Let us choose to trust that we are being held by the One who authors. It is there, in His arms, that we find contentment.
18.8.09
13.8.09
courage
I tend to think that I'm pretty great. Scratch that. I think that I'm average but that the things I do ought to be stinkin' amazing. Hopefully life changing for others, always the best (obviously), cause in taking breath and admirational awe. All to God's glory. Of course. Showing how He can use a broken vessel like me to do, yes, stinkin' amazing things; I am an example of divine power, divine transformation. If He can use little ol' me in such incredible ways, how great He must be. Yes, I even rope God into this...this vision of grandeur that I have of myself.
I got to thinking about greatness, about how so much of my life has revolved around being great - great at anything ranging from playing Bach in such a way that will make people weep to celebrating Christmas in an intensely thoughtful and spiritual way that our family shines like a light unto all. This has been the underlying motivation for most everything in my life. And, no, it has absolutely nothing to do with glorifying God. (I suspect you all got that.)
The problem with pursuing greatness, at least for a girl like me, is that it tends to be quite paralyzing. For every action there are Expectations. That people will weep, be amazed, be inspired, things will run smoothly - always. What comes is failure - either through actually trying and failing or, more often, not trying because, what's the point?, it won't be what it ought to be.
I've started to live a life of could've. I could've had a career if I'd practiced more, taken more auditions. I could've had a household that runs perfectly if I created and implemented the best system. I could've created a great community around me and my family if I weren't afraid of rejection, if I just trusted God. I could've been so much closer to God, so much more spiritual in my walk if I read my Bible more. And on and on and on - Everything has been like that for me.
God has slowly and patiently been guiding me through this - mostly without me even knowing (isn't that always His way? working in ways that our own strength wouldn't even dream of?). And, I thought I'd look into what He has to say about greatness. We all know, of course, the last shall be first blah, blah, blah. (And, if I were a diligent disciple I would already know this most obvious truth.) But, I pushed through my pride and looked. Here's what I came up with. God says greatness is: humility, service, teaching, getting nothing in return, being a slave, love.
Later that day, I read a blog post about courage. Courage and greatness appear to go hand in hand. Stepping out in faith to, I don't know, become a missionary, church plant, start a neighborhood bible study. Doing great things for the Lord means you must overcome fear and doubt, faithfully following His call.
What if, for a girl with visions of grandeur, courage is taking a humble road? Stepping out in faith to a life which is not amazing, not life changing or awe inspiring. A life which simply walks hand in hand with Jesus. Trusting Him with the life He has for me, rather then manufacturing something great. A friend told me today "What if our Plan B is actually God's Plan A?" What if what I thought I'd been settling for (in my case, motherhood) is what God has always intended for me from the beginning? This life, this walk, has been to get me here - to this place, where my life is about humbly following Him wherever He leads, even if that place could be considered ordinary, simple, little.
Then again, looking back at my list of greatness, it would seem that God thinks that being a mother - one of millions, not even registering on the world's greatness meter - really is, in His eyes, pretty great.
I got to thinking about greatness, about how so much of my life has revolved around being great - great at anything ranging from playing Bach in such a way that will make people weep to celebrating Christmas in an intensely thoughtful and spiritual way that our family shines like a light unto all. This has been the underlying motivation for most everything in my life. And, no, it has absolutely nothing to do with glorifying God. (I suspect you all got that.)
The problem with pursuing greatness, at least for a girl like me, is that it tends to be quite paralyzing. For every action there are Expectations. That people will weep, be amazed, be inspired, things will run smoothly - always. What comes is failure - either through actually trying and failing or, more often, not trying because, what's the point?, it won't be what it ought to be.
I've started to live a life of could've. I could've had a career if I'd practiced more, taken more auditions. I could've had a household that runs perfectly if I created and implemented the best system. I could've created a great community around me and my family if I weren't afraid of rejection, if I just trusted God. I could've been so much closer to God, so much more spiritual in my walk if I read my Bible more. And on and on and on - Everything has been like that for me.
God has slowly and patiently been guiding me through this - mostly without me even knowing (isn't that always His way? working in ways that our own strength wouldn't even dream of?). And, I thought I'd look into what He has to say about greatness. We all know, of course, the last shall be first blah, blah, blah. (And, if I were a diligent disciple I would already know this most obvious truth.) But, I pushed through my pride and looked. Here's what I came up with. God says greatness is: humility, service, teaching, getting nothing in return, being a slave, love.
Later that day, I read a blog post about courage. Courage and greatness appear to go hand in hand. Stepping out in faith to, I don't know, become a missionary, church plant, start a neighborhood bible study. Doing great things for the Lord means you must overcome fear and doubt, faithfully following His call.
What if, for a girl with visions of grandeur, courage is taking a humble road? Stepping out in faith to a life which is not amazing, not life changing or awe inspiring. A life which simply walks hand in hand with Jesus. Trusting Him with the life He has for me, rather then manufacturing something great. A friend told me today "What if our Plan B is actually God's Plan A?" What if what I thought I'd been settling for (in my case, motherhood) is what God has always intended for me from the beginning? This life, this walk, has been to get me here - to this place, where my life is about humbly following Him wherever He leads, even if that place could be considered ordinary, simple, little.
Then again, looking back at my list of greatness, it would seem that God thinks that being a mother - one of millions, not even registering on the world's greatness meter - really is, in His eyes, pretty great.
a new orientation
A friend recently shared a thought with me that has resonated deeply. It is easy to focus on godly living rather than on God. I have become increasingly aware of how hard I try to live a good life, doing things the "right" way, all the while feeling inadequate with a trail of failures behind me. I think I know the kind of girl God wants - wife, mother, homekeeper - and I get distracted from Him with the tasks involved in my "godly living". I become focused on doing things His way that I, often times, don't walk with Him at all.
A new orientation is growing. It is one where He is IT. Jesus is who I walk hand in hand with through this life and that relationship trumps my notion of godly living. For this to be true, I must spend time with Him. Lots of time. Not an obligatory prayer or quiet time, a quick reading of the Word. I need an empty space of time where I can meet with my Creator. I want to know Him, walk with Him, draw close to His heart, be transformed by Him and that takes intimate, focused time. Time that, I confess, I have not given Him - ever, really. So focused was I on the doing of His work.
A freedom is growing in my heart as a result of this. I can let go of all of the "supposed to's," the priorities and obligations I created (or the world creates), and trust that looking up to the Father will give me all the direction I need. If there is conviction, I heed it. If there is direction, I follow it. If not, I just keep my eyes on Him and He will lead. I feel now that my life is not my job - it is His to do with as He pleases. Concert flutist? Stay at home mom? Homeschooler? Whatever, Lord. I trust You and I take away my value judgments of what is "supposed to be" and give You back the control of shaping my heart and my life.
A new orientation is growing. It is one where He is IT. Jesus is who I walk hand in hand with through this life and that relationship trumps my notion of godly living. For this to be true, I must spend time with Him. Lots of time. Not an obligatory prayer or quiet time, a quick reading of the Word. I need an empty space of time where I can meet with my Creator. I want to know Him, walk with Him, draw close to His heart, be transformed by Him and that takes intimate, focused time. Time that, I confess, I have not given Him - ever, really. So focused was I on the doing of His work.
A freedom is growing in my heart as a result of this. I can let go of all of the "supposed to's," the priorities and obligations I created (or the world creates), and trust that looking up to the Father will give me all the direction I need. If there is conviction, I heed it. If there is direction, I follow it. If not, I just keep my eyes on Him and He will lead. I feel now that my life is not my job - it is His to do with as He pleases. Concert flutist? Stay at home mom? Homeschooler? Whatever, Lord. I trust You and I take away my value judgments of what is "supposed to be" and give You back the control of shaping my heart and my life.
a prayerful return
This blog has been silent for some time now...
I've been pricked to consider more prayerfully how He would have me use this space, if at all. Shall I glorify Him or me? It is so easy to frame my life with pretty photo, cute caption - all in the name of sharing His blessings, while secretly, pridefully, showing only the pretty parts.
Turns out, the pretty parts of my life - the beautiful, breathtaking parts - are not those found in pictures, on fun trips, or with friends. Those are treasured moments, to be sure, but icing. The beauty is His work, His transformative work in the heart of a broken girl. Teaching, guiding, changing, growing a girl who continually stumbles, is forever falling into sin, is foresaking the One, putting herself above all, gets consumed by the mundane tasks of life, has her priorities all out of line... It is in this broken place, this broken heart, that Divine Love reaches and heals.
And so, my desire is for this place, this quiet, small place, to be one where I can share Him. Where I can write about the things He has placed on my heart - quiet musings on the Creator and how being bound to Him is changing how I move through this world.
My prayer is that this place will point you and I to Jesus and that we will become increasingly sensitive to His generous workings in our lives.
I've been pricked to consider more prayerfully how He would have me use this space, if at all. Shall I glorify Him or me? It is so easy to frame my life with pretty photo, cute caption - all in the name of sharing His blessings, while secretly, pridefully, showing only the pretty parts.
Turns out, the pretty parts of my life - the beautiful, breathtaking parts - are not those found in pictures, on fun trips, or with friends. Those are treasured moments, to be sure, but icing. The beauty is His work, His transformative work in the heart of a broken girl. Teaching, guiding, changing, growing a girl who continually stumbles, is forever falling into sin, is foresaking the One, putting herself above all, gets consumed by the mundane tasks of life, has her priorities all out of line... It is in this broken place, this broken heart, that Divine Love reaches and heals.
And so, my desire is for this place, this quiet, small place, to be one where I can share Him. Where I can write about the things He has placed on my heart - quiet musings on the Creator and how being bound to Him is changing how I move through this world.
My prayer is that this place will point you and I to Jesus and that we will become increasingly sensitive to His generous workings in our lives.
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