on good friday

This is a day, Lord Jesus, I fear I cannot possibly understand the depth of sorrow, anguish and torment You experienced. Your body was scourged, beaten, broken. A sick mockery of justice committed upon the very Author of justice. You willingly submitted Yourself into their hands, their unholy and unrighteous hands, for Your Father's will. You said that You are the Son of the Most High; You are love and justice and beauty. They took the Perfect and they broke You.

O my Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless not as I will, but as You will. Matthew 26:39

Lord Jesus, in the depths of Your darkest hour - when You had been bruised and battered beyond recognition, spat upon and mocked, gently accepting a punishment due not to You, but to me - still You are sinless, still you are blameless.

In this condition, Your just Father, Your holy God, placed upon Your Spirit the horror of these sins that were just committed against You, the sins of those tormenting You. Not only the sins of those tormentors, but of all Your tormentors throughout the ages - all those who revile Your Name, who seek to disprove You, who use Your Name for their own evil purposes. Jesus, You bore their hate of You.

You bore the sins of this nation - our numbness, our materialism, our selfishness and pride. We seek to fill our empty spaces with deeper and darker perversion.

You bore those who call You Lord with their mouths and call themselves lord with their hearts. Hypocrisy and defilement worse in Your eyes than any other.

And, Lord Jesus, heaped upon Your Spirit was my sin, too. Every time I willingly, intentionally even, chose my flesh over You. Every time I deny You in my heart, doubting Your truth. You bore the depths of the sin in this heart, the darkness of which only You and I know.

And, what poured forth from You as God poured into You the most vile and disgusting of us? When You were filled up with our sin, when Your Father, with Whom You had never known separation, turned His back on You? From Your holy and beautiful lips poured one thing.

Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do. Luke 23:34

God looked upon the broken body of His Only Son, saw His Spirit weighted with the sins of the world, and our gracious and just Father said that this sacrifice is sufficient. We are forgiven - completely, eternally, perfectly.

It is finished.

Praises and honor forever be to our Lord Jesus Christ!

on faith

I recently read a passage in Mark (Mark 9:14-29) that the Lord has been using to speak deeply to me. Yet, His truth has not completely crystallized and, if you will indulge me, I'm going to use this space to work through it.

I have always clung to verse 24 "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" Jesus doesn't ask from us a perfect faith, one that neither waivers nor questions. What a supreme comfort for a girl whose faith has wavered often. It is simple to focus on the unbelief, the lacking, the doubt. But Jesus says in verse 23 "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes." If your heart is open enough, soft enough for belief then all things are possible. I think of this father who has watched his son, his precious and innocent child, be wracked by the power of the demon within. Can you imagine your child? Body flung into fire, into water, foaming at the mouth, gnashing teeth and rigid body. Year after year. Surely his heart was hard, surely he felt that his God had abandoned him and his child. Can you imagine how he struggled with God, why He would allow such torment upon a child? And still, this father believes. "Lord, I believe." Can we believe in spite of the pain, the torment, the uncertainty - beyond what our eyes can see, our minds can understand? Do we believe that our God is holy and good - always? Is that belief stronger than our "reality?" Is the truth of Who God is more real to us than the darkness we see every day? What an amazing and honest response; "Help my unbelief." Help me believe that You are always Good, even when my child writhes on the floor. That You have overcome.

Verse 22 "But if You can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." Doesn't that break your heart? What a perfect picture of humility. In the face of innocent suffering, to understand that he deserves nothing, his child deserves nothing. That we are fallen, sinful creatures who are lost without Jesus' divine hand interceding on our behalf. This is the faith that I so deeply desire! One that understands who I am and Who God is. A faith that believes that, in spite of who I am, God is so good that He would say "all things are possible for those who believe." We love a God that would heal, in spite of imperfect faith. That designs a life for us that He will use to perfectly draw us to Him. He is magnificent and His light shines so much brighter than the darkness. Lord, help me to choose You.

on expectations

When I fall down You pick me up,
When I am dry You fill my cup,
You are my all in all.

You are my All in All. The last many months have been leading me to this. The Lord has been showing me how often I look to others to have my needs met, pouring expectations and disappointment into my relationships. There's nothing wrong with communicating our needs to others, but I am overwhelmed with the sense that for me, in this time and space, God wants me to go to Him for Everything. He is All. All I could ever dream of, ever need. I think about the freedom that would result. Freedom for me, for my loved ones. I could love selflessly, without secretly desiring reciprocation. Give fully, knowing that He will fill my cup to overflowing. They can walk their own walk, where love can come naturally. Where they can fall and fail and then find in me a heart that welcomes and forgives. How I want to love like that!

on relationships

There is this thing in me that wants change. I see the not-working and I desire for it to be different. Specifically with people who God has placed as important in my life, the people who affect me day upon day. Not the relationships that work easily, but the relationships that I have not chosen myself, that have been chosen for me by my Father. Why did He choose for me the broken and the manipulative, the ones who hurt and can't even see the impact? I am called to love these -to look beyond my own feelings, for I have a Savior that will never hurt and perfectly meets every need - and shine the love and compassion of Christ on them.

How often do I try to "love" by pointing out sin, by shining a light on wrong thinking - by trying to change them... It can not be heard, it will not work - never from this girl, from this voice. The only healer of brokenness, the only changer of hearts is God. I crave repentance from those who have wronged me, that they see and admit the impact of their words on this girl. I want vindication - for them to know that they are wrong and that I am right. I can cover this ugly truth with words of righteous perspective, delude myself into thinking it is for their best, that this really is love. But the truth is, it is about me.

So then how do I love these? Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1Cor. 13:4-7 As I write this list, I see how deeply I failed to love today...

There is a line of a new David Crowder song that has been haunting me. It's called How He Loves from the Church Music album.

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

I am compulsively focused on me - my feelings, my needs, my afflictions. And every once in a while, I am eclipsed by His glory and I wonder, why don't I live here? Nestled deep in His arms, where every need is abundantly met, every feeling perfectly known. Where the love of the Creator of the universe encircles, comforts, gently instructs. It is from this place that love organically flows, that longsuffering and kindness and hope and endurance reside, that we can reflect the light of Christ.

on love

Do you ever feel your brokenness, your need, so palpably that the mere act of breathing seems impossible if not for Him? That moment comes... and then descends the Love. The Love that covers and fills, that meets the need of a broken heart. Within my desperation, my lost-ness, is where I am discovering the power of His Love. He meets me here, in this broken body, and says I am enough for you. Enough for the girl who can't breathe for sorrow, lost moments, desperate need.

And then comes hope. Hope. Hope in a Savior Who is perfect, beyond compare, beyond our wildest dreams. He is real; His love is real and it is enough. He is where we find our solace; He is who rescues us from the darkness. It is His love that weaves together the pieces of us with Him and makes us beautiful.

This is a sacraficial love - a love so powerful, so potent, so just that it demands death. It demanded the death of the One who is perfect, without stain or blemish. When Christ died upon that cross He endured the holy wrath of God for every sin comitted by every person, ever. He, who could never know sin, who being God Himeslf endured the torment of seperation from His Father. To know God fully and to be torn from Him freely and willingly. That is love. Inncomprehendable, abundant, life-giving love...

on abundance

As I reflect upon my yesterday and night, God has given me eyes to see the abundant life He has blessed me with. A life neither deserved nor earned, but one that is filled with sweetness and beauty. I have been praying, and continue to pray, for a heart of gratitude. I long to see through eyes that recognize His hand, in the big and little - easy and challenging.

Last night, my sweet little one was feverish, throwing up with he little body racked with sick sobs that just broke my heart. As I lay, more awake than asleep, I prayed. 2am prayers. 4am prayers. And I thought, what a privilege to offer thanksgiving in the middle of the night. What blessing to know that my little bit is protected by her Creator, throw up and all. She asked me to snuggle up in bed with her; we slept for the first time ever like that. Little arms wrapped around my neck, breath whispering I love you, over and over. I was able to feel our little man wrestling around in my womb, a gift I miss every other night. A husband pulling himself out of much need slumber to wash loads of sheets, blankets and towels. An abundant night, totally undeserved.

His hands were evident yesterday, too, through the rubber gloved hands of my mother. She toiled in my home - scrubbing shower doors, washing floors on knees, vacuuming air vents. Hour upon hour of backbreaking service. Service to her daughter for her Lord. Joyfully - who in their right mind joyfully cleans an other's toilet? - thoroughly, excellently.

I praise God for blessing me with a day - a life - that is just beautiful and for opening my eyes to see His precious giftings.

on miracles

As my daughter grows, she's almost three now, I have found myself taken aback by love. She takes my breath away with eyes sparkling blue that look to me with tenderness and wispy white gold hair that curls at the tips - she is so beautiful. A staggering, tears catch in my throat and lips long to cover with kisses beautiful that I want to consume. This love, this love that is utterly inescapable, has nothing to do with her - what she does, how she behaves, her goodness or worthiness. Nothing. When the sweet heart that God is growing in her wells up and she runs to hug my legs and tell me of her love, that is blessing. Abundant, treasured blessing. But it is not why I love. I love because I can not help myself, because my Creator has gifted me with her little heart, her blue eyes and her fluffy hair. He hand picked her for me - this love can not be helped. And as she grows, as I begin to glimpse the girl God has planned, that love deepens, quickens.

God worked a miracle in my heart yesterday. Rarely will I use the word miracle, other than, perhaps, to describe how God drew me to Him when I first became a believer. Drawing that heart - miraculous indeed. However, the divine work He did yesterday was nothing short of miraculous. I have been a believer for almost 7 years and for 7years I have not felt the love of God. I have understood it, believed it, but it has never penetrated the depths of me. I've known this, have prayed for years about it. And yesterday, God broke through.

Here is a portion of my prayer to Him from that moment...

Lord, I come to You, back weary from work, stomach tight from strain. Depleted, tired and yet completely longing for communion with You. You are Father, You are rest. You are arms that strongly encircle and fingertips that gently caress. In You, there is such love for me. Sweaty, dirty, smelly, overweight me. Yet you see child, washed white as snow. A daughter forgiven, beautiful.

I have found my rest.

He has given me freedom in a way I could have never imagined. His love has penetrated a heart so broken and filled with self-condemnation and He has transplanted that darkness with the light of His perfect love. The love I have for my daughter - that boundless, tender, staggering, can not help myself kind of love - is only a shadow of God's love for me. His love has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with achievement. He loves me because it is His holy nature, He cannot not love me. And, in Christ - cleansed by the blood of the Lamb - we are wholly accepted, wholly forgiven. We are child, washed white as snow, beautiful.