on faith

I recently read a passage in Mark (Mark 9:14-29) that the Lord has been using to speak deeply to me. Yet, His truth has not completely crystallized and, if you will indulge me, I'm going to use this space to work through it.

I have always clung to verse 24 "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" Jesus doesn't ask from us a perfect faith, one that neither waivers nor questions. What a supreme comfort for a girl whose faith has wavered often. It is simple to focus on the unbelief, the lacking, the doubt. But Jesus says in verse 23 "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes." If your heart is open enough, soft enough for belief then all things are possible. I think of this father who has watched his son, his precious and innocent child, be wracked by the power of the demon within. Can you imagine your child? Body flung into fire, into water, foaming at the mouth, gnashing teeth and rigid body. Year after year. Surely his heart was hard, surely he felt that his God had abandoned him and his child. Can you imagine how he struggled with God, why He would allow such torment upon a child? And still, this father believes. "Lord, I believe." Can we believe in spite of the pain, the torment, the uncertainty - beyond what our eyes can see, our minds can understand? Do we believe that our God is holy and good - always? Is that belief stronger than our "reality?" Is the truth of Who God is more real to us than the darkness we see every day? What an amazing and honest response; "Help my unbelief." Help me believe that You are always Good, even when my child writhes on the floor. That You have overcome.

Verse 22 "But if You can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." Doesn't that break your heart? What a perfect picture of humility. In the face of innocent suffering, to understand that he deserves nothing, his child deserves nothing. That we are fallen, sinful creatures who are lost without Jesus' divine hand interceding on our behalf. This is the faith that I so deeply desire! One that understands who I am and Who God is. A faith that believes that, in spite of who I am, God is so good that He would say "all things are possible for those who believe." We love a God that would heal, in spite of imperfect faith. That designs a life for us that He will use to perfectly draw us to Him. He is magnificent and His light shines so much brighter than the darkness. Lord, help me to choose You.

on expectations

When I fall down You pick me up,
When I am dry You fill my cup,
You are my all in all.

You are my All in All. The last many months have been leading me to this. The Lord has been showing me how often I look to others to have my needs met, pouring expectations and disappointment into my relationships. There's nothing wrong with communicating our needs to others, but I am overwhelmed with the sense that for me, in this time and space, God wants me to go to Him for Everything. He is All. All I could ever dream of, ever need. I think about the freedom that would result. Freedom for me, for my loved ones. I could love selflessly, without secretly desiring reciprocation. Give fully, knowing that He will fill my cup to overflowing. They can walk their own walk, where love can come naturally. Where they can fall and fail and then find in me a heart that welcomes and forgives. How I want to love like that!