on relationships

There is this thing in me that wants change. I see the not-working and I desire for it to be different. Specifically with people who God has placed as important in my life, the people who affect me day upon day. Not the relationships that work easily, but the relationships that I have not chosen myself, that have been chosen for me by my Father. Why did He choose for me the broken and the manipulative, the ones who hurt and can't even see the impact? I am called to love these -to look beyond my own feelings, for I have a Savior that will never hurt and perfectly meets every need - and shine the love and compassion of Christ on them.

How often do I try to "love" by pointing out sin, by shining a light on wrong thinking - by trying to change them... It can not be heard, it will not work - never from this girl, from this voice. The only healer of brokenness, the only changer of hearts is God. I crave repentance from those who have wronged me, that they see and admit the impact of their words on this girl. I want vindication - for them to know that they are wrong and that I am right. I can cover this ugly truth with words of righteous perspective, delude myself into thinking it is for their best, that this really is love. But the truth is, it is about me.

So then how do I love these? Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1Cor. 13:4-7 As I write this list, I see how deeply I failed to love today...

There is a line of a new David Crowder song that has been haunting me. It's called How He Loves from the Church Music album.

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

I am compulsively focused on me - my feelings, my needs, my afflictions. And every once in a while, I am eclipsed by His glory and I wonder, why don't I live here? Nestled deep in His arms, where every need is abundantly met, every feeling perfectly known. Where the love of the Creator of the universe encircles, comforts, gently instructs. It is from this place that love organically flows, that longsuffering and kindness and hope and endurance reside, that we can reflect the light of Christ.

on love

Do you ever feel your brokenness, your need, so palpably that the mere act of breathing seems impossible if not for Him? That moment comes... and then descends the Love. The Love that covers and fills, that meets the need of a broken heart. Within my desperation, my lost-ness, is where I am discovering the power of His Love. He meets me here, in this broken body, and says I am enough for you. Enough for the girl who can't breathe for sorrow, lost moments, desperate need.

And then comes hope. Hope. Hope in a Savior Who is perfect, beyond compare, beyond our wildest dreams. He is real; His love is real and it is enough. He is where we find our solace; He is who rescues us from the darkness. It is His love that weaves together the pieces of us with Him and makes us beautiful.

This is a sacraficial love - a love so powerful, so potent, so just that it demands death. It demanded the death of the One who is perfect, without stain or blemish. When Christ died upon that cross He endured the holy wrath of God for every sin comitted by every person, ever. He, who could never know sin, who being God Himeslf endured the torment of seperation from His Father. To know God fully and to be torn from Him freely and willingly. That is love. Inncomprehendable, abundant, life-giving love...

on abundance

As I reflect upon my yesterday and night, God has given me eyes to see the abundant life He has blessed me with. A life neither deserved nor earned, but one that is filled with sweetness and beauty. I have been praying, and continue to pray, for a heart of gratitude. I long to see through eyes that recognize His hand, in the big and little - easy and challenging.

Last night, my sweet little one was feverish, throwing up with he little body racked with sick sobs that just broke my heart. As I lay, more awake than asleep, I prayed. 2am prayers. 4am prayers. And I thought, what a privilege to offer thanksgiving in the middle of the night. What blessing to know that my little bit is protected by her Creator, throw up and all. She asked me to snuggle up in bed with her; we slept for the first time ever like that. Little arms wrapped around my neck, breath whispering I love you, over and over. I was able to feel our little man wrestling around in my womb, a gift I miss every other night. A husband pulling himself out of much need slumber to wash loads of sheets, blankets and towels. An abundant night, totally undeserved.

His hands were evident yesterday, too, through the rubber gloved hands of my mother. She toiled in my home - scrubbing shower doors, washing floors on knees, vacuuming air vents. Hour upon hour of backbreaking service. Service to her daughter for her Lord. Joyfully - who in their right mind joyfully cleans an other's toilet? - thoroughly, excellently.

I praise God for blessing me with a day - a life - that is just beautiful and for opening my eyes to see His precious giftings.