on miracles

As my daughter grows, she's almost three now, I have found myself taken aback by love. She takes my breath away with eyes sparkling blue that look to me with tenderness and wispy white gold hair that curls at the tips - she is so beautiful. A staggering, tears catch in my throat and lips long to cover with kisses beautiful that I want to consume. This love, this love that is utterly inescapable, has nothing to do with her - what she does, how she behaves, her goodness or worthiness. Nothing. When the sweet heart that God is growing in her wells up and she runs to hug my legs and tell me of her love, that is blessing. Abundant, treasured blessing. But it is not why I love. I love because I can not help myself, because my Creator has gifted me with her little heart, her blue eyes and her fluffy hair. He hand picked her for me - this love can not be helped. And as she grows, as I begin to glimpse the girl God has planned, that love deepens, quickens.

God worked a miracle in my heart yesterday. Rarely will I use the word miracle, other than, perhaps, to describe how God drew me to Him when I first became a believer. Drawing that heart - miraculous indeed. However, the divine work He did yesterday was nothing short of miraculous. I have been a believer for almost 7 years and for 7years I have not felt the love of God. I have understood it, believed it, but it has never penetrated the depths of me. I've known this, have prayed for years about it. And yesterday, God broke through.

Here is a portion of my prayer to Him from that moment...

Lord, I come to You, back weary from work, stomach tight from strain. Depleted, tired and yet completely longing for communion with You. You are Father, You are rest. You are arms that strongly encircle and fingertips that gently caress. In You, there is such love for me. Sweaty, dirty, smelly, overweight me. Yet you see child, washed white as snow. A daughter forgiven, beautiful.

I have found my rest.

He has given me freedom in a way I could have never imagined. His love has penetrated a heart so broken and filled with self-condemnation and He has transplanted that darkness with the light of His perfect love. The love I have for my daughter - that boundless, tender, staggering, can not help myself kind of love - is only a shadow of God's love for me. His love has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with achievement. He loves me because it is His holy nature, He cannot not love me. And, in Christ - cleansed by the blood of the Lamb - we are wholly accepted, wholly forgiven. We are child, washed white as snow, beautiful.

on forgiveness

This weekend I sinned a sin so bad, so ugly and unforgivable that I could not breathe. My shame was pouring out in rivers of tears, guttural moanings, a heart so broken that I felt love could not get a foothold. This moment was a glimpse of the true nature of my sin, a portal into God's view of my sin. And not just this one sin that was abhorrent to me, but every sin. To Him, they are all this - even the "little"ones, the ones that happen in secret, the moments of selfishness and pride that are so easily brushed aside. They are all this. They are all the same.

As heart-torn as I was in that moment, from deep within came a voice saying I must confess. Not to, as my flesh desired, crawl into bed, cover my sin with a blanket and forget. In one terrifying moment, and not at all because I had any strength of my own, I walked down the hall. First to my daughter's room, then to my husband. I confessed. I laid bare the ugliest I have ever seen in myself to them. And they wiped my tears. They forgave.

even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. ~Col. 3:13

Forgiveness and love from my family, my Creator, that could Never be earned, never be deserved. Having seen the true nature of my heart, the depth of depravity, I see no place deserving of love.

For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells... ~Rom. 7:18

And yet, God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ~Rom. 5:8

I have struggled for years to understand this Love, this divine and beautiful love for hearts that are dark and slick from the oil of sin. How can it be that the One who defines holiness and goodness and purity - how can that One love this one? Why would He sacrifice His Son, His perfect Son for a heart capable of such darkness?

My answer? I do not know. But, I Believe it to be so. I believe Him when He says ...He made us accepted in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace... ~Eph. 1:6,7 I believe, without an inkling of true understanding, that Christ is enough. Even for me. Even for my darkest sin.

And that, my friends, is a love worth praising.